I just spent some time reading an article entitled “10 Reasons Moms Dress Like Crap”. And, unfortunately, I agreed with almost every word. I mean, to my core I love new clothes, but I definitely agree that it’s all a big fat waste of time when your chances of getting pooped on are, like, 107%. It’s a rough world out there, let me tell you. Anyway, I have been thinking about how well prepared I was for parenthood thanks to my puppy and my college friends, and this article reminded me about how much I love lists.
If you’ve ever owned a dog and hung out with drunk fraternity boys, you’ve experienced a lot of the same traits that you will with your new family member. While I’m using fraternity boys as my example for the purposes of this blog, any drunk person will do. In fact, if your college life was anything like mine, you’re basically 87% prepared for parenthood. I know that people like to save money, go on vacations, blah blah blah, to prepare for babies, but I feel like you’ll be surprised at how prepared you are. If you would like to know how to be 100% prepared, see the chart below.
There are 7 simple ways that my friends and puppy helped to prepare me for motherhood. Each way has already been helpful in the past 10.5 months of mommy-hood and will most definitely continue to be beneficial in the years to come.
1. Drunk friends puke a lot and it turns out babies do too. It’s a little different, of course, but it’s there. Drunk friends puke in one spot and, if you’re lucky, that spot is in the toilet. Babies sometimes projectile vomit and other times spit up just enough to ensure that you have to change your entire ensemble. Again.
2. Puppies poop a lot and it’s not always in your prefered location. i.e. in the side pocket of your roommate’s duffle bag. Babies do that too, except the bag they poop in is called a diaper. While puppies often poop in inconvenient locations, babies often get poop in inconvenient locations. Especially if they catch the stomach flu that goes around school right before Christmas break. Or was that just mine? Ew.
3. Fraternity boys sometimes smell like babies. Not the sweet clean baby smell you might hope for. I think you know what smell I’m talking about. Fraternity boys can hop in the shower, though. With babies, you have to clean up the smell yourself.
4. Newborns are very similar to drunk people. Drunk people must be cared for. Sometimes they can’t hardly hold their own heads up. Give it some time, they’ll figure it out. Sometimes they start crying for no reason. It helps if you pat them on the back and talk to them in soothing tones. They might start crying if you take away their “toy”. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to get a drunk person to fall asleep. Other times, they fall asleep right in the middle of everything. Sometimes they wake up in the middle of the night and need to be changed.
5. Puppies can be taught tricks and so can babies. One of my dependants knows how to roll over. It isn’t the dog. Both of my dependants know how to high five. It’s pretty awesome around my house these days.
6. Drunk fraternity boys are really bad at walking. So are toddlers. They usually fall over. If you’re lucky, it results in a lot of giggles.
7. Puppies and babies are equally scared of loud noises and hair dryers. I don’t know that this takes a lot of explaining. Babies learn to not be scared. Puppies don’t. Ironically, they both become incredibly loud when startled by loud things.
In many ways, I was more prepared for motherhood than I thought I would be. While I knew that I would find things here and there that were familiar territory due to teaching, I wasn’t aware of how much familiar territory I would find. They say that your life changes completely when you become a mom. But, if you’re a recent college grad, your life just becomes a tiny version of your friends. It’s that easy… right?