Baby inventions. And a few uninventions.

Have you ever noticed that every celebrity comes up with their own line of baby clothing as soon as they have a baby on the way? I used to think it was hilarious. Celebrities like to think they can be good at anything. Just because Justin Timberlake actually IS good at everything doesn’t mean Miley Cyrus is too. Sorry, Miley, you aren’t good at very many things. However, I actually think that celebrity clothing lines are a genius move. Who else knows the quirks of baby clothing better than a new mom trying to figure out how the heck to fit a teeny onsie over the ginormous head of a baby that slightly resembles a floppy fish out of water. Seriously, non parents, it’s like that.  By the time I get one leg successfully in a pair of pants, the other leg has somehow managed to wiggle out. Just when one sock is on and pulled up to her knee, the other one shoots across the room. How do they do that?

*Side note: There was one time that I picked Baby Girl up from daycare only to find out that she showed up with only one sock. Of course, that was the day that daddy took her. Right in the middle of teasing him for somehow managing to lose a sock in between home and daycare, a sock literally shot over my head and across the room. He immediately gave me a well deserved one-eyebrow-raised “I told you so” look. Babies have a way of putting you in your place without a single word.

Sneaky sneaky, Baby Girl. I see how you’re playing.

Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of things that I think should be invented. Some of them are things that should actually be uninvented. Enjoy!

*Disclaimer: If you choose to invent any of these and make millions of dollars, I’m going to need you to send me half of those millions. Deal? Deal. Ok, thanks.

1. Baby pants and socks that connect: So, we already discussed the socks thing. Those suckers don’t stay on. But the pants! If I put her in cotton relatively fitted pants, they ride all the way up to her thighs and look ridiculous. Every. Single. Time. Regular sweatpants don’t do this and  neither do jeans, but Baby Girl is stylin’ and needs some fancy pants. Back to the point, my hubby, being the smart man he is, thinks that socks should come with buttons attached and pants should come with loops for said buttons. If you can connect the two, not only would the socks stay on but the pants wouldn’t ride up and look so ridiculous all the time. I think this is BRILLIANT!

…But, don’t tell him I said that. It’ll ruin my “that idea is only a moderately good idea” facade.

2. Tutus with built in bloomers. Baby Girl is going to wear a lot of girly things until she is able to tell me if she doesn’t want to. She’ll have bows in her hair, lots of little pink things, and you better believe she’ll have tutus. Lots of tutus. But there’s just one problem. Have you ever seen a baby in a skirt or tutu? Why aren’t there bloomers connected to keep the darn things in place? Some of them come with bloomers, but I can’t figure out why they aren’t attached. When the tutu isn’t in her mouth, it’s inching it’s way up her stomach. Either way, she’s flashing her business to the world.

She’s classy like that. 

We’re considering enrolling her in a convent instead of kindergarten.

3. Diaper pails that *gasp* actually do mask the smell. Nuff’ said.

Now, I’ve come across a few things that need to be uninvented. I’d like to go back in time and slap the person that invented these. Maybe you like them, and that’s totally cool, but I think they’re ridiculous.

1. Baby leggings. Seriously. Babies need entirely new wardrobes every 3 months for the first year. Every 3 months! I get a new wardrobe every 3…oh wait, I don’t ever get a new wardrobe. They grow out of things fast enough, why make them tighter?

2. Now that we’re uninventing things, can we get rid of all things that button down Baby Girl’s back? Who decided that was a good idea? Baby Girl hates tummy time. She also isn’t a fan of getting dressed. Let’s combine the two? No. Buttons on the sides? Cool. Buttons on the front? Even better. Buttons on the back? No. No. No. Kiss it, back button inventor, you are a real turd.

So, those are the things I think should be invented/uninvented. As I said earlier, feel free to get to work stealing my invention ideas, but don’t forget to send me my millions. Is there anything that you wish had been invented when your babies were babies? Do you actually love baby leggings? Leave me a message!

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