Parenting Tests for Dummies… Like Me?

I’ve decided that there should be a test that you have to pass to have kids.

It should go something like this…

Are you dumb?

Circle one: Yes or No

If you put yes, no babies.
If you put no, you’re good.

There could even be a follow-up:

How dumb are you?

I think 3.14159 (and so on) is spelled “pie”.
I think their, they’re and there can be used interchangeably.
I can spell pi, use it in an equation, and correctly use their, they’re, and there.

I’m not sure how you could use it to assess parenting ability, but it seems like a good follow-up.

But, I’ve been reading up on my parenting articles online. I love parenting articles. I’m fascinated by them in the way that I am by Jenny McCarthy (she is dumb). And you know what they’ve taught me?

I am a horrible parent.

For real. Horrible.

I’m surprised anyone let me walk out of the hospital with Sophia. Poor girl. She’s got a tough life ahead of her.


I am not a vegan, but I’m supposed to be. I like McDonalds and, even though she can’t eat a burger yet, totally intend to take her there when she can. The horror!

I already tell her “no” on a daily basis even though she’s only 9 months and thinks I’m making a funny noise every time I say it.

You aren’t supposed to do that.


I turn my TV on. And, I use my phone. *Gasp* Sometimes even when Sophia can see me.

Seriously, I do that. Can you believe it?

I don’t use all natural or fabric diapers and I’m not even a little bit worried about it.

It’s amazing that they let people like me be parents. They should make a test or something that people like me need to pass before having kids.

Oh, shoot, we already covered that. Whoops!


Baby Girl learns to… Twerk?

It’s been 2 weeks since I last posted, and it feels like forever. How is it that babies accomplish SO MUCH in two weeks and I feel accomplished if I can remember what groceries we need at the store? In the next two weeks, I will simply try not to lose my sanity with the end of the school year, but Sophia will probably do something completely incredible. Babies really have a way of showing you how exciting your life is not. For example, when she crawls, her grandparents will go nuts. I’ve known how to crawl all this time and they don’t even care… It’s a little ridiculous.

First, Baby Girl started getting up on all fours. While it means she is going to learn to crawl soon, it has also provided a large amount of entertainment for her dad and I. In learning to pick herself up, she’s been a little wobbly. She can’t keep her backside in the air for long. In turn, she ends up twerking.

Yes, twerking.

Just a little bit.

I’m so incredibly proud.

I tried to capture it on video, but she’s a ham anytime a camera comes out. Now, while I’m happy she’s getting stronger, she no longer twerks. I don’t want her to resemble Miley Cyrus in any way, but the twerking was possibly one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen her do. After sitting, rolling over, laughing, smiling, blah blah blah.

Then, Baby Girl learned to say Mamamamama! It couldn’t have come on a better day. On a day where I wasn’t feeling great, nothing could have cheered me up more. Can I tell you about how that melted my heart? Holy cow. If she followed it up with, “can I have a pony?”, you better believe we’d be living on a ranch by now. And she’d have a pony. Or, 8 ponies.

She’s been saying Dadadada for a while now. The husband probably thinks it’s because she just loves him more than me, but I’m pretty sure she’s ratting on Dadadada for something, I just haven’t figured out for what. Now that she can say Mamama, she can get my attention when he’s doing something ridiculous. Good job, Baby Girl, keep your eyes peeled – it happens pretty frequently.  

So, before long I’ll be able to post a video of her actually crawling. And twerking, if I get lucky. Here’s to hoping!

When some things aren’t awesome, other things totally are.

I just realized it’s almost swim suit reason. I’m not sure why it took talking to my husband about buying family pool passes to realize that it was coming. It comes at the same time every year, it’s certainly not a mystery, but I still forget. And, not that you asked, but I’m not ready. I’ve been working out since October, I’ve run a half marathon, and completed about 60 days of the 90 day Bikini Body Mommy challenge on Facebook. Still,  I am just not ready. Babies make momma stomachs a little wonky for a while. I am way closer than I used to be, I am feeling more like my old self all the time, but I just don’t have that 6 pack yet.

Let’s be honest – I tend to be a Dairy Queen regular, so the 6 pack just might not happen, but a girl can dream!

Anyway, to make myself feel better, I came up with this mini awesome post. Here are some things that ARE awesome, even when I don’t always feel awesome.

  • My husband. He is building me a new patio. Also, he’s super duper hot.
  • I DO work out and some parts of me look better post-baby. For example, my one incredibly strong arm. It’s the one that holds the baby. The other one is only slightly more impressive than mediocre.
  • My friends are REALLY great friends. They are supportive and sassy and really entertaining when they’re drunk. It’s pretty fantastic.
  • Not to brag or anything, but I have really great hair. It’s true, except for the “not to brag” part. I’m totally bragging. When it decides to participate in good hair days, it looks pretty great.
  • I am starting a new job next year that I am REALLY excited about! I’m glad that the interviewers liked my little bit of crazy and thought that it’d fit with their little bits of crazy.
  • My parents are more awesomer than most parents. They always have the blender ready for frozen drinks when I come home and they built the most ‘mazing bar in their basement. Oh, and they love me and support me and stuff. All important qualities.

And, most importantly.

  • I made a BABY last year. That’s so freaking awesome. She’s a genius, you know. And she’s totally worth the trouble.

So, what makes you feel better when you’re in a slump? What’s awesome in your life?