Parenting Tests for Dummies… Like Me?

I’ve decided that there should be a test that you have to pass to have kids.

It should go something like this…

Are you dumb?

Circle one: Yes or No

If you put yes, no babies.
If you put no, you’re good.

There could even be a follow-up:

How dumb are you?

I think 3.14159 (and so on) is spelled “pie”.
I think their, they’re and there can be used interchangeably.
I can spell pi, use it in an equation, and correctly use their, they’re, and there.

I’m not sure how you could use it to assess parenting ability, but it seems like a good follow-up.

But, I’ve been reading up on my parenting articles online. I love parenting articles. I’m fascinated by them in the way that I am by Jenny McCarthy (she is dumb). And you know what they’ve taught me?

I am a horrible parent.

For real. Horrible.

I’m surprised anyone let me walk out of the hospital with Sophia. Poor girl. She’s got a tough life ahead of her.


I am not a vegan, but I’m supposed to be. I like McDonalds and, even though she can’t eat a burger yet, totally intend to take her there when she can. The horror!

I already tell her “no” on a daily basis even though she’s only 9 months and thinks I’m making a funny noise every time I say it.

You aren’t supposed to do that.


I turn my TV on. And, I use my phone. *Gasp* Sometimes even when Sophia can see me.

Seriously, I do that. Can you believe it?

I don’t use all natural or fabric diapers and I’m not even a little bit worried about it.

It’s amazing that they let people like me be parents. They should make a test or something that people like me need to pass before having kids.

Oh, shoot, we already covered that. Whoops!


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