7 Ways Puppys and Drunk Friends Prepare you for Children

I just spent some time reading an article entitled “10 Reasons Moms Dress Like Crap”.  And, unfortunately, I agreed with almost every word. I mean, to my core I love new clothes, but I definitely agree that it’s all a big fat waste of time when your chances of getting pooped on are, like, 107%. It’s a rough world out there, let me tell you.  Anyway, I have been thinking about how well prepared I was for parenthood thanks to my puppy and my college friends, and this article reminded me about how much I love lists.

If you’ve ever owned a dog and hung out with drunk fraternity boys, you’ve experienced a lot of the same traits that you will with your new family member. While I’m using fraternity boys as my example for the purposes of this blog, any drunk person will do. In fact, if your college life was anything like mine, you’re basically 87% prepared for parenthood. I know that people like to save money, go on vacations, blah blah blah, to prepare for babies, but I feel like you’ll be surprised at how prepared you are. If you would like to know how to be 100% prepared, see the chart below.

 

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There are 7 simple ways that my friends and puppy helped to prepare me for motherhood. Each way has already been helpful in the past 10.5 months of mommy-hood and will most definitely continue to be beneficial in the years to come.

 

1. Drunk friends puke a lot and it turns out babies do too. It’s a little different, of course, but it’s there. Drunk friends puke in one spot and, if you’re lucky, that spot is in the toilet. Babies sometimes projectile vomit and other times spit up just enough to ensure that you have to change your entire ensemble. Again.

2. Puppies poop a lot and it’s not always in your prefered location. i.e. in the side pocket of your roommate’s duffle bag. Babies do that too, except the bag they poop in is called a diaper. While puppies often poop in inconvenient locations, babies often get poop in inconvenient locations. Especially if they catch the stomach flu that goes around school right before Christmas break. Or was that just mine? Ew.

3. Fraternity boys sometimes smell like babies. Not the sweet clean baby smell you might hope for. I think you know what smell I’m talking about. Fraternity boys can hop in the shower, though. With babies, you have to clean up the smell yourself.

4. Newborns are very similar to drunk people. Drunk people must be cared for. Sometimes they can’t hardly hold their own heads up. Give it some time, they’ll figure it out. Sometimes they start crying for no reason. It helps if you pat them on the back and talk to them in soothing tones. They might start crying if you take away their “toy”. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to get a drunk person to fall asleep. Other times, they fall asleep right in the middle of everything. Sometimes they wake up in the middle of the night and need to be changed.

5. Puppies can be taught tricks and so can babies. One of my dependants knows how to roll over. It isn’t the dog. Both of my dependants know how to high five. It’s pretty awesome around my house these days.

6. Drunk fraternity boys are really bad at walking. So are toddlers. They usually fall over. If you’re lucky, it results in a lot of giggles.

7. Puppies and babies are equally scared of loud noises and hair dryers. I don’t know that this takes a lot of explaining. Babies learn to not be scared. Puppies don’t. Ironically, they both become incredibly loud when startled by loud things.

In many ways, I was more prepared for motherhood than I thought I would be. While I knew that I would find things here and there that were familiar territory due to teaching, I wasn’t aware of how much familiar territory I would find. They say that your life changes completely when you become a mom. But, if you’re a recent college grad, your life just becomes a tiny version of your friends. It’s that easy… right?

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Year one is coming to a close. I CAN’T HANDLE IT!

I can’t believe I didn’t post about this yet! Good grief, it’s about time. Other babies are walking, but Baby Girl crawls and she crawls like a fiend. She is the best and most adorable crawler I’ve ever seen.

Ever.

To be fair, she’s been crawling for about a month, but it’s still SO EXCITING!

So, I’m a little afraid to blink, because she’ll be walking when I do. I mean, seriously, it feels like you blink an eye and all of a sudden they’re almost 1 and you’re planning a pink tutu and pearl birthday party.

All of this blinking fear has me thinking. People don’t hesitate to talk to you when you’re pregnant. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know exactly what I mean. They’ll tell you about their families. They’ll stop you in public places to tell you about their lives. They’ll tell you about their kids and their grandkids and how they all walked when they were 2 months old and were potty trained by 1 year old.

1 year old!

Yeah right, lady. Your memory is slipping.

Most of all, they’ll tell you about your family. It’s odd, because they might not even know you when they tell you about your family, but they certainly won’t hesitate to tell you anyway.

They say:
You’re going to have a girl/boy because you’re carrying high/low.
Are you exhausted yet? That’s going to happen.
Are your feet swelling? Because they’re about to be the size of balloons.
Really. Friggin. Big. Balloons. (Be forewarned, this is not a lie)
You’re never going to sleep again. Ever. Until they’re 30.
Your kid is going to have a ton of rolls at about 3 months old.
Are you going to breast feed or formula feed? Well, here is the right answer, because that’s what I’ve done, and I’m right because I have children and that makes me knowledgeable. I’m basically a doctor.

Nevermind the fact that most of those assumptions were completely correct. Nevermind the fact that they usually DO come from some knowledge somewhere. Nevermind that a billion people have had babies and that’s why these things come to be so well known.

But, do you know what they don’t tell you?

They don’t tell you that your entire first year is the most amazing year of your life. They don’t tell you that you will all of a sudden be happier than you’ve ever been just because of a sweet smile that you had never seen before. They don’t tell you that you’ll laugh until you cry the first time that sweet smile turns into a giggle right before your eyes. They don’t tell you that teaching a baby to roll over/crawl/walk will become a bigger accomplishment than any degree or position you could work for. They don’t tell you how amazed you’ll be at every small development your sweet someone could go through. And it’s crazy!

Sure, we certainly don’t sleep in as much and we most definitely stay in more often. We can’t always go where we want when we want. Except, actually, we completely go where we want when we want. Because, we go home. We want to go home. We have the most amazing family to go home to. So, in that sense, we go where we want when we want to. Our “wants” just changed a little bit.

Anyway, the point is, Baby Girl crawls. She pulls up and she is going to walk soon. Then, we’ll have a birthday party filled with tulle, pearls, and girly things. Before we know it, we’re going to be getting her drivers license and sending her to college. In the mean time, I’m going to cuddle with her as long as she’ll let me because this is most definitely the best year of my life thus far. And also the sleepiest.

Momma’s Weight Loss Plan

Baby Girl has been helping around the house lately. Time and time again, since she started crawling, she has helped me to organize and clean the house. Her Dad is pretty helpful with the routine cleaning, but Baby Girl helps with the odd jobs that must. get. done. now.

When I need to re-alphabetize the DVD collection, she takes them all off the shelf. Sometime I don’t even know they need to be reorganized, but she’s there to let me know.

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And, when I need to see every single one of her toys from her toy box (just in case one has gone missing, of course), she is there to pull them all out. Each of them. Each and every one.

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Then, when I need to know if there is a single spec of dog food anywhere on the floor (hint: there always is), she finds one.

And she gives it to me without crying that I’m taking it from her.

I may be lying about that last part.

I swear we vacuum frequently, mom. Seriously.

Anyway, I’ve decided that Baby Girl’s crawling/soon-to-be-walking is going to be my new weight loss plan. If you’re a parent, you probably completely understand. But, for those not-yet-a-parents, don’t-care-to-be-a-parents, and the about-to-become-a-parents, picture this: Ninja baby. One second she is chewing on Sophie the Giraffe next to me. The next, she is across the room milliseconds from ingesting dog food. While it’s nice that she helps around the house these days, I’ve worked up a sweat more than once trying to keep up with her so she doesn’t climb up the TV stand. Leg workout: Check! And, to top it off, the girl flops like a fish if I’m holding her and she wants to be on the floor on her own. Arms: check!

Maybe this will help my left arm catch up with my right?

I’ve even considered having babysitters start to pay me. Babysitting Baby Girl is like having a gym membership. It’s a great workout! It’s a win-win. Well, it’s a win-win on my part. Because you’re babysitting for me and paying me to do so.

Who wants to babysit?

Anyone?

Is this thing on?

Anyway, it seems that Baby Girl is my new workout plan, whether or not she is anyone else’s workout plan. I’m sure that her walking will only help me to get into even better shape in that I’ll forever be chasing her down in public places. Cardio: Check! If I’m lucky, I’ll get into shape AND be able to indulge this cleaning instinct she has. I’m sure that she’ll be perfectly willing to help clean well into her teenage years.

That’s how teenagers work, right?

Pediatricians are sometimes turds.

Have you ever gone to a doctors appointment completely confident and come out questioning everything?

If not, you’re probably not a parent. And you might think that sounds weird, getting all anxious about the doctor. But remember, you’re the one that’s not a parent who is still reading a blog about parenting.

Weirdo.

Well, if you don’t know, pediatricians have this way of ensuring you that no matter how accomplished you think your child is, you’re wrong. I just took Baby Girl to a check-up yesterday. It went something like this.

Doctor: Can your child use the pincher grasp to pick up small things? Like cheerios?
Me: Yes
Doctor: Excellent! Can she pass things from hand to hand?
Me: Yes! (My child is a genius!)
Doctor: Ok! Can your child put cheerios into a cup?
Me: Um… No? (Why would I give her a cheerio to put in a cup? Seems a little inefficient. My pincher grasp is great too and a hell of a lot less slobbery…)
Doctor: No?
Me: No. (Note to self: Do this.)
Doctor: Can she pull herself up to standing?
Me: Not yet. (Oh crap)
Doctor: Not yet? Hmmm… *looks at chart for an unbearable amount of time while mumbling to the med. student next to him*
Me:
…Am I going to have to carry her for her whole life?
…She’s going to get really heavy.
…This is going to look really awkward when she starts dating.
…Does this mean she won’t win an olympic gold in swimming?
…Some champions don’t walk… even though I can’t think of one… I’m sure of it.

Doctor (After the longest 17.5 seconds of my life): Oh, ok. Well, we ask these questions from 9 – 12 months, so it’s not a concern until she is nearing 13 months.

…Too little too late, buddy. That would have been nice to know 17.5 seconds ago.

Then, he rambled on and on about how, when his son and nephew were both 10 months old, they were very different in their physical abilities. Great story. That sounds like a great opening act, right there. What a doozy. They both turned out great and learned how to use their feet for more than just chew toys. Could he not have opened with that?

I’m never going back again.

Ever.

Until her 12 month check up, when I have to go back again.