Pediatricians are sometimes turds.

Have you ever gone to a doctors appointment completely confident and come out questioning everything?

If not, you’re probably not a parent. And you might think that sounds weird, getting all anxious about the doctor. But remember, you’re the one that’s not a parent who is still reading a blog about parenting.

Weirdo.

Well, if you don’t know, pediatricians have this way of ensuring you that no matter how accomplished you think your child is, you’re wrong. I just took Baby Girl to a check-up yesterday. It went something like this.

Doctor: Can your child use the pincher grasp to pick up small things? Like cheerios?
Me: Yes
Doctor: Excellent! Can she pass things from hand to hand?
Me: Yes! (My child is a genius!)
Doctor: Ok! Can your child put cheerios into a cup?
Me: Um… No? (Why would I give her a cheerio to put in a cup? Seems a little inefficient. My pincher grasp is great too and a hell of a lot less slobbery…)
Doctor: No?
Me: No. (Note to self: Do this.)
Doctor: Can she pull herself up to standing?
Me: Not yet. (Oh crap)
Doctor: Not yet? Hmmm… *looks at chart for an unbearable amount of time while mumbling to the med. student next to him*
Me:
…Am I going to have to carry her for her whole life?
…She’s going to get really heavy.
…This is going to look really awkward when she starts dating.
…Does this mean she won’t win an olympic gold in swimming?
…Some champions don’t walk… even though I can’t think of one… I’m sure of it.

Doctor (After the longest 17.5 seconds of my life): Oh, ok. Well, we ask these questions from 9 – 12 months, so it’s not a concern until she is nearing 13 months.

…Too little too late, buddy. That would have been nice to know 17.5 seconds ago.

Then, he rambled on and on about how, when his son and nephew were both 10 months old, they were very different in their physical abilities. Great story. That sounds like a great opening act, right there. What a doozy. They both turned out great and learned how to use their feet for more than just chew toys. Could he not have opened with that?

I’m never going back again.

Ever.

Until her 12 month check up, when I have to go back again.

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