Multi-tasking.

Hold on, I’ve got to go start the dishwasher…

Ok, blog time. Lately I feel like I get -20 minutes per day to get anything done. That’s a negative 20. My math students aren’t so good with numbers sometimes, but even they know negatives are no good. When Baby Girl gets older, I would only assume that it may happen at most once a day – in between chasing her around the house and keeping her from electrocuting herself or, worse, putting a really important paper in her mouth.

Eat the bills, but please Lord, don’t let her eat my copy of Cosmo!

So, I’ve been trying to figure out some ways that I can get things done and keep her occupied. I’ve already had to cross off the obvious option, because the husband is trying desperately to finish our patio. Option 1: Hand her to the husband and go drink a Margarita.

But, the closer he is to finishing, the more likely that scenario becomes. It’s going to happen just like that, too. Except one little part… it’d be more like 3 margaritas.

Anyway, multi-tasking. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to do chores AND keep baby entertained. Keyword: Trying. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • Carry her: She’s so ginormous that the carrier we have seems a little daunting, but at least I’d get in a workout just by doing my chores. Right? She used to love them when she was teeny. She would snooze away while I did whatever I needed to do. Down side: She weighs a trillion pounds. Or 19ish. Either way, that’s a lot.
  • High chair: Plopping her in the high chair is a little more convenient for my core muscles. If only there was a way to super glue her toys to the thing. She already loves to drop her toys and have me pick them up. Repeatedly. She plays with something for 0.5 seconds and then drops it on the floor for me to pick up. It’s hard to finish a load of laundry if I have to pick up Sophie the giraffe every time I fold a t-shirt. Dumb giraffe.
  • Baby Einstein: This thing works magic, so far. She puts every piece of it in her mouth in succession. Down side: she gets bored pretty quickly. Also, she has one at day care, which is probably why it’s not so fascinating at home.
  • Let the dog babysit while I do whatever I want. Down side: The dog is dumb. Like, run-down-the-stairs-so-fast-she-runs-her-face-into-the-wall-at-the-bottom dumb.

Welp, that’s what I’ve got. I’m going to try carrying her tomorrow… Actually, that’s probably not true. I’m just not going to accomplish anything tomorrow. Or, I’m going to try the margarita thing again! If not, there’s always hope for Saturday. Any advice for a busy Momma? Leave me a message!

Red-Butted Monkeys. And Vaccines.

Lately, I can’t help but read everything that pops up on my newsfeed about vaccines.
Here’s the thing… I’m fascinated by Jenny McCarthy.
Not because she’s intelligent… nope.
Not because she knows what she’s talking about… definitely not.
Mostly because I think she’s incompetent, and yet she’s the one that’s famous and significantly more well off than I am. She makes me angry and a little fascinated all at the same time. Like, can’t-stop-staring-at-the-monkeys-with-the-red-butts-at-the-zoo fascinated. I’m wide-eyed, open-mouthed and drooling when I read this anti-vaccine stuff.

It’s. Just. So. Ridiculous.

Why would you put everyone around you in danger? Why would you put your PRECIOUS INNOCENT BABY in danger? Or other precious innocent babies and adorable grandparents and others that can’t get vaccinated due to health issues? Why do you have a red butt, monkey?

Seriously, they have red butts. It’s hilarious. Think about it.

Anyway, I’ve been reading. And reading. And reading.

  • Things like this.  (I’ll admit, I haven’t clicked on all of the links, but it’s a good read anyway – AND, the author is an anthropologist with her PhD in Genetics, holy kahmoly).
  • This is clearly a blog, so you can take it with a grain of salt, but it’s interesting none the less. She went from being an anti-vaccine momma to a firm believer in science. High five, Megan!
  • I thought measles was a thing of the 1900s, but it’s back.
  • This shows that you can catch and spread diseases even when you’re vaccinated. It’s rare, but it’s possible. I hope the anti-vaccine mommas don’t screw up the herd immunity.
  • This is not at all educational, it might not even be accurate, but it’s funny. 

It’s interesting that people with no medical knowledge are convincing the world to avoid vaccines like the plague (ironic, seeing as vaccines help fight things like plagues).

So here’s my opinion, if you want it. If you don’t, that’s cool too.
(Note: I’m not a medical professional.)

Get them.

Seriously.

If you aren’t sure, ask your doctor.

Then, when they say to get them, because they will, get them.

Teeth! It’s almost time for braces…

 

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Baby Girl sprouted some pearly whites. You can’t see them in the picture above. It’s somewhat unrelated. By somewhat, I mean that it’s not at all a related picture to the blog. But, it’s cute, so deal with it.

Teeth!

This girl. I’ll tell you what. She must KNOW that her daddy and I are impatient. Even her grandparents like to laugh at how impatient we are. So, I think she knows it and wants to squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of making us wait for her cute little butt to hit these milestones.

She was supposed to be sitting up at 6 months – ish. She’s just now getting really good at it at allllmost 8 months.

She was supposed to get teeth between 4 and 7 months. Again, just now, almost 8 months.

Some of her teeny friends are crawling. She’s like, “I’m cool. I’m not going to sit still enough to snuggle with mom, but I’m not going to move around either”.

We’re going to have learn to be a little more patient. I’m sure she’ll get better, too, when she’s a little older. Like, when she’s a teenager. She’ll do exactly what we want her to do exactly when we want her to. Right? Definitely.

Babies and Sleep. Or lack there of.

Baby Girl is 7.5 months old and just slept through the night twice in a row!

I know. *Does a little happy dance*

She teased us for a while. When I first went back to work she was sleeping through the night at 12 weeks old. Then, just when we got comfortable and confident, she stopped sleeping through the night.

Not cool, Baby Girl.

Right about the time we were going to lose our minds, we were introduced to Merlin’s Magic sleeper and THIS video (It’s PG 13, FYI. Watch out for little ears listening in). Life was better for a while, but, of course, the good sleep went away after a while.

Anyway, it’s finally back. What did I do to deserve it? Who the hell knows. I’m just happy I’ve kept a human alive all this time. While I feel like I should be doing happy dances across the kitchen, I actually wish she had picked another week to experience this wonderful phenomenon. Any other week, I would be happy for her to sleep until 6, but this week is Spring Break. This week, if she got up to eat at 5 with her dad and then slept until 8, that’d be cool. That’d mean I’d get to sleep until 8. THAT would be miraculous. Childbirth is a miracle from God, sure, but so is sleeping past 5.

However, I can nap with her this week, which I have done more than once. And, HOLY COW SHE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!

Ok, she’s napping. I have approximately 30 minutes to play Candy Crush uninterrupted. Any sleep advice for a new Momma? Leave me a comment! I’ll be Crushing Candy if anyone needs me =).

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Baby inventions. And a few uninventions.

Have you ever noticed that every celebrity comes up with their own line of baby clothing as soon as they have a baby on the way? I used to think it was hilarious. Celebrities like to think they can be good at anything. Just because Justin Timberlake actually IS good at everything doesn’t mean Miley Cyrus is too. Sorry, Miley, you aren’t good at very many things. However, I actually think that celebrity clothing lines are a genius move. Who else knows the quirks of baby clothing better than a new mom trying to figure out how the heck to fit a teeny onsie over the ginormous head of a baby that slightly resembles a floppy fish out of water. Seriously, non parents, it’s like that.  By the time I get one leg successfully in a pair of pants, the other leg has somehow managed to wiggle out. Just when one sock is on and pulled up to her knee, the other one shoots across the room. How do they do that?

*Side note: There was one time that I picked Baby Girl up from daycare only to find out that she showed up with only one sock. Of course, that was the day that daddy took her. Right in the middle of teasing him for somehow managing to lose a sock in between home and daycare, a sock literally shot over my head and across the room. He immediately gave me a well deserved one-eyebrow-raised “I told you so” look. Babies have a way of putting you in your place without a single word.

Sneaky sneaky, Baby Girl. I see how you’re playing.

Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of things that I think should be invented. Some of them are things that should actually be uninvented. Enjoy!

*Disclaimer: If you choose to invent any of these and make millions of dollars, I’m going to need you to send me half of those millions. Deal? Deal. Ok, thanks.

1. Baby pants and socks that connect: So, we already discussed the socks thing. Those suckers don’t stay on. But the pants! If I put her in cotton relatively fitted pants, they ride all the way up to her thighs and look ridiculous. Every. Single. Time. Regular sweatpants don’t do this and  neither do jeans, but Baby Girl is stylin’ and needs some fancy pants. Back to the point, my hubby, being the smart man he is, thinks that socks should come with buttons attached and pants should come with loops for said buttons. If you can connect the two, not only would the socks stay on but the pants wouldn’t ride up and look so ridiculous all the time. I think this is BRILLIANT!

…But, don’t tell him I said that. It’ll ruin my “that idea is only a moderately good idea” facade.

2. Tutus with built in bloomers. Baby Girl is going to wear a lot of girly things until she is able to tell me if she doesn’t want to. She’ll have bows in her hair, lots of little pink things, and you better believe she’ll have tutus. Lots of tutus. But there’s just one problem. Have you ever seen a baby in a skirt or tutu? Why aren’t there bloomers connected to keep the darn things in place? Some of them come with bloomers, but I can’t figure out why they aren’t attached. When the tutu isn’t in her mouth, it’s inching it’s way up her stomach. Either way, she’s flashing her business to the world.

She’s classy like that. 

We’re considering enrolling her in a convent instead of kindergarten.

3. Diaper pails that *gasp* actually do mask the smell. Nuff’ said.

Now, I’ve come across a few things that need to be uninvented. I’d like to go back in time and slap the person that invented these. Maybe you like them, and that’s totally cool, but I think they’re ridiculous.

1. Baby leggings. Seriously. Babies need entirely new wardrobes every 3 months for the first year. Every 3 months! I get a new wardrobe every 3…oh wait, I don’t ever get a new wardrobe. They grow out of things fast enough, why make them tighter?

2. Now that we’re uninventing things, can we get rid of all things that button down Baby Girl’s back? Who decided that was a good idea? Baby Girl hates tummy time. She also isn’t a fan of getting dressed. Let’s combine the two? No. Buttons on the sides? Cool. Buttons on the front? Even better. Buttons on the back? No. No. No. Kiss it, back button inventor, you are a real turd.

So, those are the things I think should be invented/uninvented. As I said earlier, feel free to get to work stealing my invention ideas, but don’t forget to send me my millions. Is there anything that you wish had been invented when your babies were babies? Do you actually love baby leggings? Leave me a message!

Baby Girl learns to roll. Momma learns to babyproof.

Baby Girl is a genius. Obviously. No other babies are as smart as she is, I can just tell. She rolled over a few weeks ago, like all baby geniuses do, and thus starts our baby proofing. By baby proofing, I mean that we’ve spent a lot of time talking about what we need to do, and not a lot of time actually doing any of it.

Not a lot of time at all.

Not any time, actually.

Aren’t there baby fairies for things like that?

Anyway, the point is, it happened. Baby Girl rolled herself right over. And, as luck has it, she did this for Daddy while I was out of the house. Daddy, being a man and slightly clueless, rolled her right back over. When she did it again, he rolled her back over again. He was probably getting a little frustrated by the fact that I told him he needed to do tummy time, and she wasn’t exactly cooperating, right about the time he realized that this was a pretty big milestone that he completely forgot to notice.  I think he told me he actually had to google it to make sure.Yep, he really did that!

Yesterday, she rolled from back to front! This time, I was home to witness it. When I started whooping and hollering in excitement, Daddy came inside to make sure I wasn’t dying. What a sweetheart :). So, I guess that means movement isn’t far away and, of course, it’s time to baby proof. I’ve been googling what to do about baby proofing and it turns out our house is a baby death trap. Long cords all over the place? Check. Outlets right at eye level for a toddler? Check. Backless fall-through-able death trap stairs? Double check. We’ve blocked all of the outlets, but the rest is going to have to wait for the baby fairies.

Or, for our Amazon shipment of cabinet and toilet locks to show up.

Whichever comes first.

Any advice for a baby proofing momma? What worked or didn’t work for you?

6 Lessons in 6 Months

As a new Momma, there are a few things you expect – little sleep, the occasional poop where it’s not supposed to be, etc. But, there are some things that you just can’t find in what to expect books. If you had asked me where I’d be today a year ago, I’m sure I would have said I wanted a baby, but I had no idea what was coming. If you don’t have children, consider this your warning. These are 6 things I’ve learned in the first 6 months.

1. Babies are sticky. I mean, I expected dirty diapers and spit up. But, did you know that poop and spit up change colors to match the veggies babies eat? Woah. I. Did. Not. I can clean baby girl’s diaper, leave her clean in the Pack n’ Play for approximately 60 seconds to wash my hands, and when I come back there would inevitably be snot running down her face, wiped with her hands, and then smeared through her hair. Then, when I finish wiping it off, I find orange sweet potato spit up all down her onsie. Where did it come from? There’s no spit up on her face. She ate sweet potatoes 2 days ago… how did this happen? Babies are basically tiny sticky magicians. It’s actually quite amazing.

2. Speaking of sticky. Babies cause YOU to be sticky. I remember thinking it was funny when people had spit up on their shirt and somehow ended up in public without realizing it. Yeah, that happens. Most of the time, it happens more because I don’t care than because I didn’t realize. There isn’t enough Tide in the world to change clothes every time that happens. I’ve learned, though, that matching Baby Girl’s veggies for the day is the best stroke of genius I will ever have. Baby Girl is not very good at eating. You know that “blowing raspberries” thing that parents do on their babies’ bellies? Well, Baby Girl is good at doing that too, but only when a spoon full of peas is somewhere near her mouth. Now, high fashion is finding just the right shade of green – so that the peas will just blend in. Take note, future mommies, invest in green (green beans and peas) and orange (sweet potatoes, squash, carrots). It’s amazing how successful you feel when the veggie spit up matches your outfit.

3. Babies are heavy. They come into this world at a sweet 7 lbs. 7 lbs is no big deal until they are wailing and flailing around at 4 am because they are so hungry, but don’t want to have a bottle in their mouths, while you’re half asleep, or, occasionally, just kind of sleep walking. Just wait until you put them in a car seat. That sweet 7 lbs just became a not so sweet 27 lbs. That you carry with one arm. While digging through a diaper bag with the other hand, trying to find your credit card and your sanity tucked somewhere inside. After a while, you get really good at the baby shuffle and find one arm that can handle the heaviness. Luckily, your strength grows with the baby. Unfortunately, if you aren’t careful, you basically become The Hulk on one side and a little closer to Tobey McGuire’s Spider Man on the other. Try to switch arms now and again, mommies. The daddies will appreciate it when you’re in a tank top this summer.

4. Babies are noisy. I don’t mean crying all night noisy. Babies are noisy at really inconvenient times. Like during the church prayers. It’s not even a cry that escapes during the silence at church, it’s a joyful burst that is unexpected and ear piercing. Wonderful and Joyful, yes. But noisy, none the less. At restaurants, Baby Girl was nice enough to let us gain some confidence. She slept through the first few outings. I remember wondering what people were complaining about – it was easy. Ha! That was cute, wasn’t it? We recently went on a Valentine’s date that went like this.

Take 2 bites. Bounce baby on left knee, switch knees, and give two cheek kisses. Take another bite and then pass baby awkwardly over the table to her dad. Shovel in 8 bites and two drinks of soda. Make faces at the baby, dig for a toy in the diaper bag, and successfully make the awkward baby pass back across the table. Repeat.

We were out of the restaurant 15 minutes after starting our meal. She was happy and adorable the whole time. Happy, adorable, and noisy. She wanted the entire restaurant to know. But, the people around us didn’t seem happy, nor adorable.

5. Babies are vampire-like time suckers. I remember the days of staying up past midnight. I think. Actually, I feel like they existed, but I’m not sure. These days, when I’m home from school for a day, I can’t exactly tell you what it is that I do. I usually get some laundry done and try to do some dishes, but I have no idea what else happens. I know that baby girl plays in the Baby Einstein, gets tummy time, eats, and poops, but the rest of the day disappears. When the husband comes home and inevitably asks me what I did all day, I find my self stuttering and trying to figure out why it is that I haven’t really done anything. It goes something like this,

“Hi, honey, how was your day?”

“Oh, great!”

“Yeah? What’d you do?”

“I…duhhhh…umm….I, uh… tummy time and…yeah.”

The only thing I know for sure is that by 9 o’clock I am exhausted. I’ve got crazy eyes and I’m slurring my words. Somehow, my school days (days of making sense of math to teenagers with a 20 minute lunch and hourly 6 minute breaks) are less exhausting. Riddle me that.

6. Babies are amazing. Ah – ma – zing. Don’t get me wrong, I liked babies well enough. I knew I wanted one. But, oh, I had no idea. Having your own child is amazing. Amazing. It’s the only word that closely enough resembles how I feel about Baby Girl. Everyone tells you, but you don’t know until you know. Get ready.

Ok, those are 6 of the 4,761,832 things I’ve learned in the past 6 months. What have you learned that you didn’t quite expect? Did you have any of these funny moments that I dealt with? Tell me about it!